It's All About the Benjamins

All We Do is Win

Ben Lamb — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 19:29:21 +0000

So last night I talked to Anthony Bourdain. Yeah, and Eric Ripert. Whatever, I won’t bore you with the specifics, all I do is win.

Speaking of winners and winning, here is one of my favorite winners, who writes simply yet elegantly like a latter day Julius Caesar in De Bello Gallica. Which is kind of an apt comparison, because instead of beating a bunch of marauding proto-Frenchists and barbarians disrupting the normal course of life in Rome’s provinces and client fiefdoms, it’s General Sherman writing to the mayor of Atlanta about why he wants to help all the civilians leave that city so he can beat a maurading insurgent army bankrolled by an illegal racist “government” of agitating knuckledraggers. The bolding is done by me, of course, since it’s hard to make something bold with a fountain pen.

HDQRS. MILITARY DIVISION OF THE MISSISSIPPI,
In the Field, Atlanta, Ga., September 12, 1864.

To JAMES M. CALHOUN, Mayor, E. E. RAWSON, and S. C. WELLS, Representing City Council of Atlanta:

GENTLEMEN: I have your letter of the 11th, in the nature of a petition to revoke my orders removing all the inhabitants from Atlanta. I have read it carefully, and give full credit to your statements of the distress that will be occasioned by it, and yet shall not revoke my orders, simply because my orders are not designed to meet the humanities of the case, but to prepare for the future struggles in which millions of good people outside of Atlanta have a deep interest. We must have peace, not only at Atlanta but in all America. To secure this we must stop the war that now desolates our once happy and favored country. To stop war we must defeat the rebel armies that are arrayed against the laws and Constitution, which all must respect and obey. To defeat these armies we must prepare the way to reach them in their recesses provided with the arms and instruments which enable us to accomplish our purpose. Now, I know the vindictive nature of our enemy, and that we may have many years of military operations from this quarter, and therefore deem it wise and prudent to prepare in time. The use of Atlanta for warlike purposes is inconsistent with its character as a home for families. There will be no manufactures, commerce, or agriculture here for the maintenance of families, and sooner or later want will compel the inhabitants to go. Why not go now, when all the arrangements are completed for the transfer, instead of waiting till the plunging shot of contending armies will renew the scenes of the past month? Of course, I do not apprehend any such thing at this moment, but you do not suppose this army will be here until the war is over. I cannot discuss this subject with you fairly, because I cannot impart to you what I propose to do, but I assert that my military plans make it necessary for the inhabitants to go away, and I can only renew my offer of services to make their exodus in any direction as easy and comfortable as possible. You cannot qualify war in harsher terms than I will. War is cruelty and you cannot refine it, and those who brought war into our country deserve all the curses and maledictions a people can pour out. I know I had no hand in making this war, and I know I will make more sacrifices to-day than any of you to secure peace. But you cannot have peace and a division of our country. If the United States submits to a division now it will not stop, but will go on until we reap the fate of Mexico, which is eternal war. The United States does and must assert its authority wherever it once had power. If it relaxes one bit to pressure it is gone, and I know that such is the national feeling. This feeling assumes various shapes, but always comes back to that of Union. Once admit the Union, once more acknowledge the authority of the National Government, and instead of devoting your houses and streets and roads to the dread uses of war, and this army become at once your protectors and supporters, shielding you from danger, let it come from what quarter it may. I know that a few individuals cannot resist a torrent of error and passion such as swept the South into rebellion, but you can part out so that we may know those who desire a government and those who insist on war and its desolation. You might as well appeal against the thunder-storm as against these terrible hardships of war. They are inevitable, and the only way the people of Atlanta can hope once more to live in peace and quiet at home is to stop the war, which can alone be done by admitting that it began in error and is perpetuated in pride.

We don’t want your negroes or your horses or your houses or your lands or anything you have, but we do want, and will have, a just obedience to the laws of the United States. That we will have, and if it involves the destruction of your improvements we cannot help it. You have heretofore read public sentiment in your newspapers that live by falsehood and excitement, and the quicker you seek for truth in other quarters the better for you. I repeat then that by the original compact of government the United States had certain rights in Georgia, which have never been relinquished and never will be; that the South began war by seizing forts, arsenals, mints, custom-houses, &c., long before Mr. Lincoln was installed and before the South had one jot or tittle of provocation. I myself have seen in Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Mississippi hundreds and thousands of women and children fleeing from your armies and desperadoes, hungry and with bleeding feet. In Memphis, Vicksburg, and Mississippi we fed thousands upon thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes home to you, you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition and molded shells and shot to carry war into Kentucky and Tennessee, and desolate the homes of hundreds and thousands of good people who only asked to live in peace at their old homes and under the Government of their inheritance. But these comparisons are idle. I want peace, and believe it can now only be reached through union and war, and I will ever conduct war with a view to perfect an early success. But, my dear sirs, when that peace does come, you may call on me for anything. Then will I share with you the last cracker, and watch with you to shield your homes and families against danger from every quarter. Now you must go, and take with you the old and feeble, feed and nurse them and build for them in more quiet places proper habitations to shield them against the weather until the mad passions of men cool down and allow the Union and peace once more to settle over your old homes at Atlanta.

Yours, in haste, W. T. SHERMAN, Major-General, Commanding.

The GOP as a car analogy

Ben Lamb — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 03:25:59 +0000

A metaphor in two tweets, by The Nazz

@bennyfactor "WE DON'T WANT THE MERCURY VILLAGER IN OFFICE AGAIN 'CAUSE MINIVANS ARE FOR LOSERS! SO HERE ARE OUR CANDIDATES! THEY ARE...!"
— Ryan Nasserizafar (@Shojarius) January 27, 2012

@bennyfactor"THE PLAYSKOOL CAR FOR TODDLERS! THE TYCO R/C! A TESLA ROADSTER WITHOUT ANY FUEL CELLS! AND THIS POINTY STICK! VROOOOM!"
— Ryan Nasserizafar (@Shojarius) January 27, 2012

Just read this

Ben Lamb — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 01:38:31 +0000

This article from Gawker so adroitly skewers not only Rand Paul specifically, but American Libertarianism generally that I want to cry for joy. Caution, if you are a horrible nerd, or are the ‘creative mind’ behind that awful ‘webcomic’ Asperger’s Daily, this article is making fun of you.
http://gawker.com/5878427/rand-paul-is-so-full-of-shit-about-being-detained-by-the-tsa

My favorite 30 Rock episodes

Ben Lamb — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 07:40:05 +0000

A little while ago someone on twitter asked me for my favorite 30 Rock episodes. If you don’t follow me on twitter (and how can I blame you for not doing so?), most of my tweeting, aside from my ridiculous amount of retweeting, my “over-the-top cursing tweets[, my] unfunny tweets[, and my] love tweets to [J]immy Fallon” (as someone put it) is tweeting choice quotes from TV shows. Mainly 30Rock and No Reservations although in the olden days of twenty ought-nine it was mostly House (, M.D.).

So. Naturally, it seems appropriate that I should have a favorite or five or ten episodes of these shows, since I like them so much. And, in fact, since 30 Rock Season Six starts tonight, I thought I’d pick six.

Do Over: This is the first episode of season 3, and the main plot is Liz trying to convince an adoption agent that she could be a good mother. The B plot is about Jack working his way back up the corporate ladder from mailroom clerk back to the top office of GE, or should I say “G”, as ridiculous arch-nemesis Devin Banks (GOB) has sold the E to Samsung — or Samesung. This also happens to feature Tina Fey dressed up in a lot of outfits that I would wear if I were a girl, so that’s also a plus.
St. Valentine’s Day: of all the Valentine’s Day episodes, the A plot in this one is the most boring. Liz Lemon goes on a date (or rather, stays in her apartment) with her new boyfriend mister handsome idiot doctor, blah blah there’s some clever lines but that’s not the point. This show actually has three plots, so I’ll mention the ones I like: B, with Jack and his hypercatholic Puerto Rican mistress, and C, a Tracy/Kenneth plot with lots of Grizz and Dot Com! Tracy’s genius entourage would have absolutely stolen the show if it weren’t for Jack’s soliloquy in a McDonald’s. It’s great.
The Ones: on paper this episode is filler-grade, but the gags in it really elevate it to the stratosphere. Brian Williams cameos as his super-creepy alternate-reality persona, there’s great interplay between Kenneth’s selflessness and Jenna’s narcissism, and a return of the Pranksmen!
Into the Crevasse: another great gag-laden episode, featuring Liz’s book “Dealbreakers”, more screentime for GOB (that’s the actor’s name, I’m certain of it), and also heavy references to General Electric and microwaves. In trying to invent a better microwave, Jack and the writers end up designing the Pontiac Aztek. I had to press pause because I laughed so hard.
Brooklyn Without Limits: The entire plot of this show is so heavily gagged I can’t even think about it without laughing. But suffice it to say that it’s extra funny to me as a person who does research on things like Corporate Social Responsibility and Fair Trade and has a love/love relationship with Park Slope. Plus the B plot is Jack trying to gin up support for a cuckoo Republican candidate (although they’re mostly cuckoo these days it seems like so it’s not so funny as it was when it was new). Bonus: A Parody of the Movie Precious Based on the Novel Push By Sapphire
College: at first I couldn’t figure out why I had scribbled this down. The A plot is only moderately funny: Liz becomes suddenly popular with the crew and it reminds her of the two weeks of her college experience. But, this also features the online speech synthesizer made from recordings of Jack, more GE microwaves, and a great Hornberger subplot. In fact, it is the distillation of all Hornberger subplots, as he gets put on/made fun of for the whole episode, but in the end actually comes out the winner from the experience. I want to be him when I grow up, if I ever actually grow up. Also, borkulators.

Biking

Ben Lamb — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:45:57 +0000

So I’ve enrolled for an Italian class at IU semester. The first day was great, although the building is pretty far from our apartment. I was pressed for time and my brother suggested riding my bike, and that went… well I got there on time! But the hills in this town are very un-Indiana-like. I can go about half of the way, which is over a mile, mostly coasting. But the other half was a bit of a disaster. I still haven’t figured out the geartrain on my bike, but I bet this will be a great way for me to become fitter. Or kill myself, whatever.

But, what this really reveals is that I need better brakes, and a good topographical map of the city to minimize the time on the steep grades.

Of course I could also do with a bike with a huge speaker on the front. And a rad haircut.

Bonus: Classic Ben Lamb being an ass

Ben Lamb — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 17:44:57 +0000

So a little while ago one of the twitter accounts of the police force in London sent out this message:

Guys: Let's Crowdsource EVERYTHING

Now, honestly, I don’t subscribe to any of the Metropolitan Police Force’s twitter feeds, no matter how much I prattle on about England and the like. I mean, I have to have some boundary. But, fortunately, someone English who I follow did Retweet this, so I saw it. And the thought occurred to me: wow, are they dumb or what? And then another thought: Wow, what if I made fun of them by fake-retweeting absurd farcical tweets using historical figures with the same tweet pattern?

Well, this is what happened:

Missing: General Custer joke

Because, you know, that’s how I roll. Historical allusions to famous battles crammed into little tweets that all of 200 people (and 100 spam bots) will ever see, and like five of those (including 2 spam bots) will even get.

November

Ben Lamb — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 17:32:23 +0000

Well, I just wanted to make a short blog post about what I want to do with this blog for the rest of the year. First of all, there are some trip reports I need to write, namely

the rest of the New York trip (Friday is here)
Chicago (baby party, pictures)
DC last weekend
The Feist concert I will be going to on Friday

Secondly I want to move to a shorter post format outside of these trip reports that have been about the only content thing I’ve put on this blog in ages. I started using an RSS reader again for the first time in years (yes, years) so reading current personal blogs has made me more interested in posting brief snippets of ideas that are too prolix for twitter. Because, as we all know, if there’s one word that can describe Ben Lamb on the Internet, it’s prolix baby.

Oh, also, I have some draft posts – some from ’09 even! – that I’d like to make into actual publicly-available content if they’re still relevant.

New York: Friday

Ben Lamb — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 23:48:30 +0000

So this past weekend I travelled to New York to visit old friends and go to a wedding. So, I’m writing down everything that happened, not just the hilarious parts. It’s all part of my new plan called “remembering the good times” – as opposed to the plan entitled “Remembering Good Times” which involved memorizing quotes from J.J. on that sho——nevermind.

So anyway I get off the plane at JFK and Alex comes and picks me up in a Zipcar. Do you know what a zipcar is? It’s kind of like a rental car, but you only rent for a few hours and take it back to where it came from. It makes sense in a place like New York or DC or whatever. The roads coming into and out of JFK are just as much a crazy mixed up disaster of a plan as are the terminals themselves, so we realize after about 10 minutes that we’re headed out to Long Island (Lon Guyland) rather than, you know, Brooklyn.

But anyway, we eventually made it to Park Slope. The zipcar went into those kind of garages they have in a city like New York – not like a proper, purpose-built parking garage with parking spaces, but the kind that’s just basically a hole in a building and the cars are parked three or four deep, right up next to each other. One of those cars was a cool old Volvo station wagon (1800?), bright orange.

Well anyway we got to Alex’s apartment. Unlike the last time I visited, Krista was there! She is rad, so that was good. Anyway we goofed around for a while (an hour, maybe?) and then went to dinner. We met Brian McNabb, his wife, his sister, and her husband at a place called Bark. It’s an upscale hot dog restaurant. Yeah, they have those in Brooklyn.

Bark Dog & Fries

Because I’m kind of adventurous, but not that adventurous, I got the self-titled debut hotdog– I mean, the Bark Dog, and a side of fries and a root beer. I think the root beer was local production, because, yeah, they have that in Brooklyn. The hot dog was really good, which is something I don’t think I can usually say about a hotdog (usually the best thing one can say is ‘satisfactory’, really. It’s a hot dog). It was topped with relish, mustard, and really finely chopped red onions. And the fries were great: they looked like Five Guys fries, but instead of being bland and soggy with grease, they were crispy and potato-ey. All in all, it was a wise choice.

So after dinner me and the rest of the guys went to this bar/club in Carroll Gardens called the Clover Club, which is all done up on the inside like a 1920s speakeasy – the bartenders had a serious old barman clothing vibe, the waitresses were wearing evening-gown-ish stuff, etc. Okay, well, the Foursquare page lists it as being gilded-age and not 1920s, and that it’s in Boerum Hill and not Carroll Gardens, but whatever, I’m close enough. We ordered a bowl of punch – booze punch. With booze, and lemonade, or something, and fruits in it. Served in cut glass. It was a snug vibe I think we all agreed. Of course, I kind of embarrassed myself by having my wallet open to get my medicine out as the waitress walked up, so it was a bunch of dudes with little baggies of pills on the table. Nothing sketchy about that at all, no way.

Oh well, enough about that! There were totally some strawberries in there, that tasted like they had been soaked in gin for like a month. Now that’s not really what happened – I don’t even remember if there was even gin in the punch – but that’s what it tasted like, and it was pretty good. In fact, the strawberries in alcohol was only a foreshadowing of the wedding on Sunday, but that’s another post. A very long post about a lot of delicious foods and hilariousness.

Anyway, since we were in Carroll Gardens, or Boerum Hill, or whatever, we had to walk back through Gowanus, my favorite neighborhood, to get to Park Slope. I made sure that we walked back on Carroll St so we could go over my favorite bridge in New York. No, not the Brooklyn Bridge or the George Washington or even the Verrazano. My favorite bridge is the Carroll St retractile bridge over the Gowanus Canal. Yeah, that’s right, the dirty nasty filthy Gowanus Canal that probably should be designated a Superfund site. Well, the bridge is cool, see.

Photo credit: Steve Williams (sbw.org)

It’s a retractile bridge: that is, instead of being a drawbridge or a tilt bridge or whatever kind of movable bridge you may be familiar with, this bridge rolls back on rails diagonally into the shore, next to Carroll St. It also has a modern sign with a very old ordinance, warning drivers to slow to a walking pace or risk a fine of five dollars! Ouch, that’s a pretty penny right there I say. Anyway, you can check the bridge out on street view for yourself.

So we sat around at Alex’s place for a while and went to bed. I’ll post what we did on Saturday (and Sunday!) soon, but for now you can look at (and leave comments on) pictures I took on Friday and Saturday here at the pics site: http://iaatb.net/pics/october-2011-brooklyn-manhattan/

Oh to sleep perchance to dream

Ben Lamb — Sun, 15 May 2011 08:04:40 +0000

So the other night I had a nightmare, and it reminded me of the fact that I don’t think I really dream like other people.

Really, my dreams are rather more… boring than yours probably are.

Even the nightmares. They wake me up with some negative emotion just like anyone else, yeah, but they’re more like … night-mild-frustrations.

So this one the other night: I was in a shopping mall, or something of that nature, and I went into an Old Navy and another (imaginary) budget-segment store under the Gap aegis (see, boring) to find out that both of these stores had become women’s only. Talking to the clerk in the Old Navy, I noticed that most of the clothes were like a return to early 90s styles, but the good 90s stuff — or so I said to the clerk. Then I walked out into the mall hallway and toward the food court, which was also simultaneously the university’s main cafeteria. As I was walking toward the register there was some (imaginary) other adjunct from my office that was shouting at me that I had done something wrong, or was teaching something wrong, or something nonsensical and untrue. I had decided I was just going to walk off, when the British emerita professor that the adjuncts really share an office with showed up. She stopped me and said something like I needed to listen to the person because there’s always a nugget of truth in a complaint or something. And so I did, for a few moments, and then came up with what was (in the dream) a brilliant rebuttal of his argument.

I woke up, startled, shouting “No you shut up!”

See, told you it was boring.

whatever happened to blog1?

Ben Lamb — Mon, 02 May 2011 18:21:40 +0000

Note: I’ll be rehashing the theme here and on the devblog over the next couple of weeks, so if things look even more broken than usual, that’s why.

In the meantime, go look at iaatbstyle which I’m not updating until the semester is over, or better yet, Alex’s or Matt’s blogs.