It's All About the Benjamins

Jump to Comments So since Wednesday there’s been a hurricane-based weather pattern bearing down on my dumb house here in Norfolk (called a Nor’easter primarily because the press has been full of pseudo-folksy baloney for over a century), which I initially decided to use as for a parody of those TV-news “live remotes” with some idiot standing on a beach during a hurricane, and the new phenomenon of “liveblogging” or “livetweeting” technology events, like Steve Jobs talking about a tiny upgrade to an iPod. The next twenty numbered links are my performance art piece of a livetweet (Ben Lamb, performance art, yeah right): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

So anyway as hilarious and fun as that was on Thursday afternoon, things only got worse. Lots and lots worse. At about 8:30 PM I lost electricity simultaneously with a loud explosion noise, which was probably a transformer! But not one that was kind of cool in the 1980s, no, just the kind that live up on telephone poles.

Well, the outage continued through Friday, and, while I was able to get out of Norfolk, finally, after the roads stopped being so flooded, and have dinner with some of my friends that live in Virginia Beach, I came to the conclusion that I would be in the 19th century for the long haul as Dominion Power continued to roll back the day on which they expected to be able to restore power. I bought a few bags of ice without too much hassle from the gas station, put them in the refrigerator, and went to bed. Next morning I decided to go up to the part of Hampton that is more affluent and has some enormous sporting goods stores to score a tent heater, and either a power source or maybe a shotgun.

Yeah well eff youuuu Ben Lamb! Because here’s what I learned happens when Ben Lamb tries to be self-sufficient and proactive about living in a cold, dark, drafty house with no heat or light thanks to a Noreaster!

1. Want to sleep in a little, since it’s not like you can see anything in your house until it’s 10 AM or so? Too bad! Some deranged man will stand in your street at five o’clock in the morning, shouting unintelligbly– that is, unintelligibly except for the curse words!
2. Feel like it’s okay because your doors are locked and your security system has a battery back-up! Oh you silly face, it’s been 32 hours since you lost power and just as the deranged guy gives it a little breather, the alarm merrily panel chimes in “Very low battery. System disarmed. BEEP!” Too bad you didn’t buy that shotgun last year when all of your disposable income wasn’t paying for heating oil and servicing credit card debt.
3. It’ll take an hour to get to Hampton. It doesn’t matter if its only seven miles. It just will. And people will camp out in my blindspot! Because that’s the most attractive place to go camping. It’s like a freaking KOA out there behind my left rear quarterpanel.
4. Bass Pro Shop is like an enormous hillbilly bed bath and beyond. The item you’re looking for will be sold out, but the more expensive one will be there, promise! Everyone will be so friendly to point out to you that indoor tent heaters aren’t for indoor heating even though it says on the box that the thing is for indoor heating and has a low-oxygen automatic shutoff.
5. Remember how you used your cell phone internet to check the Virginia State Police website to ensure you could buy a firearm with an out-of-state driver’s license? Yeah whatever Bass Pro Shop requires 2 forms of Virginia ID and they only have nice inexpensive Italian shotguns in black plastic or hilarious hayseed camouflage LULZ
6. Oh but hark, what sign through yonder storefront breaks? IT IS THE LOWE’S, AND “STANDBY GENERATORS AVAILABLE” IS THE SUN. It’s 700 bucks with tax and all the relevant equipment, but whatever, I need electricity, right?
7. Cici’s Pizza is actually a pretty cost-effective food solution for Ben Lambs. I really don’t have any complaints about this, but I just thought I’d mention it.
8. Hahe ignoring sign before the hampton roads bridge-tunnel that says “all vehicles carrying propane tanks stop for inspection” 8D I mean, they’re only little 1-gallon tanks and the sign has an outline of the 20-gallon kind for a gas grill! KABOOO– no, wait, I made it through the tunnel without exploding, nevermind.
9. Did you just try to manhandle a 200 pound generator box out of the back of your station wagon? OH HAI, we restored your electricity service. At least you didn’t get it all the way out of the hatch yet and only mashed one finger, dumbass.
10. Remember how surprised you were that your basement never flooded during all this mess! One inch of water is now on the floor that wasn’t there this morning, even though it’s stopped raining! Nobody has any pumps at any hardware store, though. Get real!
11. Hey, how about you trip going up your back stoop while trying to put your phone in your pocket? Don’t want to ever find the battery cover ever again? Well you’ll love to know that even if you hold the battery in with your fingers to turn it back on, the screen has spiderwebbed!
12. Really, why did you bother with that ice in the refrigerator! Silly! All the meat and milk still spoiled and now there’s water all over all the shelves and in your nice bag of grated pecorino romano.
13. PS isn’t it great that Bass Por Shop wouldn’t sell you a shotgun? Because now would be a good time to SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FACE*

Yeah well, I guess that’s the real Ben Lamb advantage! On a weekend when you are supposed to get ahead of your course schedule you’re out 800 bucks and a cell phone! Should have just acted on my initial instinct and stayed in bed all day.

*Ben Lamb is not actually suicidal. Actor portrayal. Results not typical. A stoeger 2000 is primarily a terrorist goose-hunting weapon and has much too long of a barrel to be able to cause self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the face of Ben Lambs. See inside for details. Void where prohibited. No firearms sales to California. Offer not valid in Canada.