It's All About the Benjamins

Jump to Comments (this started out as me making spooftweets, which is why it’s in all caps.)

KING OF PRUSSIA PENNSYLVANIA, I AM CALLING YOU OUT. THIS IS AMERICA NOT DEUTSCHLAND.

SO QUIT BEING DEUTSCHBAGS AND CHANGE YOUR NAME TO “PRESIDENT OF AMERICA, PENNSYLVANIA”, or “GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA, PENNSYLVANIA”

A FRIEND TELLS ME YOU HAVE THE SECOND LARGEST MALL IN AMERICA. SO HOW ABOUT “MANAGER OF SECOND-LARGEST SHOPPING MALL, PENNSYLVANIA”?!

Okay.
Another Pennsylvania burg (burgh?) I am calling out. ZIONSVILLE, PA: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. AND IT’S NOT YOU.

OLD ZIONSVILLE, PA. YOU’RE FREAKING NEXT. DON’T GIVE ME THAT CRAP ABOUT THE ‘OLD’ PART. THERE CAN BE! ONLY! ONE!

And finally, shouldn’t Philadelphia be Philadelphiopolis if it’s “City of Brotherly Love”? Isn’t Philadelphia “Land of Brotherly Love?” WELL IT’S ALL GREEK TO ME.

I only say these things because I love you, Pennsylvania, land of winners, and of #winning & also Pittsburgh was Pittsburg during the 1800s. FIGURE THAT OUT.


See, this is what happens when I’m sleep deprived, which I am so blaming on DST — and thus on Mitch Daniels.
Th’accursèd clock-defiler, I to thee
do bite my thumb. Betwixt some errant scoundrels
and fools race thou to be the nominee
for that Republic’s Party; but Reagan’s Fools
more apt description is for they who chase
the Tea. I would that hour of morn remain
within its wintry bound, the glor’ous face
of mighty Sol, its rays to shine again
‘pon six-o-clock; the break of day be not
delayed, that, I, amidst the month of June
must dine at seven-thirty in the Afternoon.